This is Me

I don't usually post photos of myself in a bikini, let alone one I took in front of mirror for the purposes of seeing what I looked liked with my pasty white winter skin.  I took the pictures because I have been receiving a lot of grief lately for the way I look.  Haters aside, for the first time in a LONG time, I am actually pretty comfortable in my skin.
I have been on a fitness and health journey for some time now and I do still struggle.  In the past year I have lost almost 15 pounds.  I am within 5 pounds of what I think my goal weight is.  I have ran several half marathons and plan to run more.  This is who I am.  I want nothing more than for people to accept that this is me.
I have been having a hard time lately because people close to me keep giving me comments saying you are too thin, you have lost weight, you can really see it in your face.  Little do they know, the scale hasn't moved since December.  I have just been diligent with that I am doing.  I have let those comments get to my head and it has held me back from reaching my final five pounds.  I am sure that many of these people are making comments out of jealousy and not out of concern.  If one was really concerned they would ask me what I was doing and they would find out, that I eat, a lot actually, I run a lot...notice the treadmill in the background :), and I do other various forms of exercise.  Instead of jumping to conclusions, please get to know me, ask me questions, see how I really am doing before you judge.  I have worked hard, I have overcome a lot, and I do not plan to stop.  Please, accept that this is me, and I am nearly content with this body that God has gave me.

I'm a Half Marathon Runner!...What?

Last May I signed up to do something I never imagined I could do.  I signed up for a half marathon that took place last Sunday, September 20.  I work at a running store so I'm always around people who are training for something.  My brother also has ran a number of half marathons and even some marathons.  I never thought it would be something I would do.  It never appealed to me, but after being around so many runners and always having to say I just run short distances, I caved in.
In early May when I signed up, I thought I'd have plenty of time to train.  September felt so far away.  I started strong doing three and four mile training runs, but as the weather got hotter, I got lazier.  I quit running and switched to biking.  This went on for the majority of the summer.  Mid August came and I realized I had to run 13.1 miles in a month!  My good friend began doing short runs with me, but again, no long runs for me.  My longest run was 4.5 miles  That's quite a difference from 13.1.  The week of the race approached and I was in Florida.  Now I was getting in a lot of walking at Disney World, but that is again different from running.  When I got home, I began to fuel my body and hydrate.  Saturday night approached and my nerves were getting to me.  I could hardly sleep, I was up most of the night worrying about how I was going to complete 13.1 miles when I could hardly run 4.5.  All of the what ifs were going through my head.
Finally Sunday morning came and I was up bright and early.  The race didn't start till 7, but I was up at 4:45.  When I got to the starting line, my mind was slightly eased.  I saw people of all different sizes and ages.  Initially I said that I would run with the three hour pacer.  That was going to be my goal to finish in under three hours.
The shot gun start went off and I began slowly running with the pacer.  Before I even got to mile one, I had left the pacer because he was going to slow.  I felt great.  I was breathing well, the air was cool. I had no doubt in my mind that I could do this.  Mile three approached and I was still feeling good, but of course already counting down the miles.  Mile after mile I kept going, kept running one foot in front of the other.  Finally, after some discouragement seeing people on their way back, I reached the half way point. I had a mini celebration and even got teary eyed, it was all downhill from there.  I was half way through my first half marathon.
From this point on I knew if I could make it half way I could keep going.  This was already longer than I'd ran before.  Around mile 10, my legs began to get tired, but I kept talking positively to myself.  I was not going to be a quitter.  I had ran the whole thing at mile 10 and wasn't going to start walking now.  I also knew that if I walked, I wouldn't be able to start running again because of the sheer weight of my legs.  I kept going and if a song came on I liked I pictured myself dancing and waved my arms a little bit.
Finally, around mile 11, the Omaha skyline came into my view.  I had never in my life been more excited to see that skyline.  It meant I was almost back to downtown Omaha, and back to TD Ameritrade Park stadium.  I kept up my stamina and I made it all the way to the stadium.  Coming in I was slightly fooled.  I thought, oh I am done as soon as I enter that stadium...WRONG!  I had to run all the way around the field.  This gave me a whole new appreciation for baseball players.  Those fields are huge.  It was the longest finish ever, but as I came around the turn I sprinted the best I could through the finish arch.  I had done it!  I had ran an entire half marathon in 2 hours and 39 minutes.  Maybe that is slow, but to me it is an accomplishment.  It is better than 90% of people who will never run or finish one.  I was actually proud of myself.  I got my medal around my neck and I had a giant smile on my face.
Now, what did I learn from all of this?  That I am slightly bad ass.  Who else can only train 4.5 miles and then go run 13.1.  I don't know many people who can.  I also learned that a lot of life really if mind over matter.  If you think you can do something, then you will be able to do it.
Running my first half marathon also reminds me of Hebrews 12:1 Let us run with endurance the race set out before us.  This life we live is not a sprint.  It's a marathon.  It's going to take awhile.  Sometimes we need to slow down.  We need to trust that God has us in His hands.  Nothing that he sets before us is going to be too great.  Keep going, keep putting one foot in front of the other in this journey called life.

 After finishing

 At the 10 mile mark

Just out for a Sunday jog

Oh How He Loves Us!

Oh how He loves us has been going through my head over and over again.  This past week I was able to spend in Colorado with high school students at a Youth for Christ camp.  The week started off on a Saturday night where I met the girls I would be in a room with.  At first thought, things were going well.  Everyone seemed to be bonding and having a good time. That is until we had our cabin time on Tuesday night.  I had felt that the girls were being some what rude when others were talking and I was honestly ready to wrap it up and move on.  I  didn't see what God was doing in that room.  One of the girls confessed that she believed in God and thought she was going to heaven, but her beliefs were very new age.  She told me that when she died she thought she would go to heaven and God would ask her to confess her sins.  If she confessed she would get into heaven, if she didn't she would go to hell.  I of course had to share what I believed to be the truth that if you believe and confess that Jesus if your Lord and Savior, you will go to heaven.  This trio of girls became very angry with what I told them and the night ended with arguing and exchanging harsh words with one another once we were in bed.  As well as harsh words girls were throwing objects and picking on people.
The next morning only one of my girls showed up on time to breakfast.  The rest of them walked in late after we were already served.  This was the first sign that they were mad at me.   I simply said they need to try to be on time to breakfast.  After we were they wouldn't asked me to pass anything to them.  The food could have been right next to me and they would ask someone across the table.  In this moment I knew I wanted to say something, but I had prayed over the situation the night before and asked the Holy Spirit to be with me.  He was in this moment as I literally bit my tongue.
After breakfast we played a real life game of Angry Birds.  During this game the girls were pretty separated.  The trio, the other two, and me.  I tried to go between the two groups, but again, I knew they were mad as they were avoiding me. Another things that made this obvious was that they avoided me to ask to use the bathroom.  They found the other leader because they couldn't find me.  I was bothered by this time, but let it go.
After Angry Birds 4 of the girls and I were on the swings outside our cabin.  I was on one side, the four of them on the other.  We were facing each other and I was tired of their body language and attitudes.  I brought it up in the nicest way possible.  Things really got heated.  Words were said from both the girls and myself, but as soon as words were being thrown at each other body language changed.  Facial expressions softened.  I honestly don't think these girls realized why I was being to hard on them, but it's because I cared about them.  I don't want to see them making the same mistakes that I made in my younger years.
This is when I took the opportunity to share my story with them.  I knew going into the week I would share personal things with these girls, but I didn't know if I would share one story with them.  The story of my life that has brought me the most pain...the story of a broken relationship that led me to become anorexic.
In 2008 I had been dating a guy and he thought it would be a good idea to begin working out together.  I agreed with this because everyone could get a little bit healthier.  After a little while of working out he began to notice differences in me and he like them.  I took this to hear and worked out harder and longer and slowly began limiting calories.  I lost so much weight that he no longer liked me, cheated on me, and our relationship ended.  I was devastated.  I thought that he loved me, we even talked marriage a couple of times.  Obviously that didn't happen.
Around the same time as this breakup my grandma had a stroke that affected her vision, ability to walk, and speech.  She was no longer the grandma I knew and loved growing up.  She could no longer, drive, walk on her own, sew, or even live on her own.  After going through rehabilitation she came to live with us.  This took another toll on me as we had to take care of her and do a lot for her.   I continued to lose weight, but didn't see myself as sick.  That was until one Sunday morning when I woke up with pain so great that I could hardly stand up to shower.  I insisted that my mom take me to the emergency room.  Little did I know that would be the beginning of a three week hospital stay.
When I got to the hospital I weighed 64 pounds and was officially diagnosed as anorexic.  Sadly, even with all of my bones showing and my face sunk in, I was in denial.  The first thing they did was put a feeding tube in me so force me to gain weight. During the first couple of days in the hospital I prayed to God, take my life or change it now!  Clearly, I am still here so he changed my life.   I knew I didn't want to be in the hospital so I forced myself to eat.  Forcing myself to eat also made me very sick.  Lucky, my body bounced back quickly and I gained weight.  I had to gain 20 pounds to get out of the hospital.  During this whole time at the hospital I never received the proper treatment I needed.  I got out of the hospital and continued to eat and gain way too much weight forcing me to lose weight again.  This time I did it in a healthy way.
During telling this story and of other hurts from my past I was reminded of the greatness of our God. His mercy and His grace.  How much must He love us to give us second, third, fourth, chances.  By medical standards I don't deserve to be here, but God has a greater plan.  As I shared this story I also did so with tears in my eyes.  The hurt is still real and I don't want anyone to go through what I went through.  No one deserves that.
Sharing this story and other from my past during that draw out time on the swings broke down walls and allowed all of our hearts to soften.  For that I am thankful.  It is interesting in the way the Holy Spirit works for the good of those who love him.  After our arguing and sharing our week turned around and we were all able to enjoy being with each other and encouraging each other.  I hope that this past week seeds were planted and these girls would go all in for Jesus and count the cost of being his followers.
Another thing that this week at camp showed me is the love of God and that is why I can't get "Oh how He loves us" out of my head.  It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that it was God's will for Jesus to come to earth.  It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that it was God's will for Jesus to die for me!  It should have been me on that cross because of my sinful nature, but it wasn't.  The price was payed out of love.  Being a person who has never really felt loved this is one of the hardest things for me to wrap my mind around, but it is one of the best things in the world.  I just wanted to share that with the girls I was with and with everyone else.  This God who loves me, changed my life, and can change yours(theirs) too.  There is no greater love!

Seasons of Life

As a kindergarten teacher one of the many things that we get to teach about is the seasons. We talk about them daily with the kids as we discuss the weather.  We talk about such things as what the weather is like in each season, what we would do, what we would wear, and how the weather for that season makes us feel. Even from the young age of five or six they can tell me that the sun shining makes them "happy" or that storms make them sad and scare them.  It's funny that as adults our feelings really don't change much. The sun makes us feel good.  Maybe it is because the warmth it brings or the beauty in a sunrise or set.  Whatever it is, I would take a day of sun over a day of rain or snow anyday. The gloomy weather brings me down, but I also know that it is needed for the earth.

In Ecclesiastes, Solomon writes about the seasons of life and that there is a time for everything...

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 ESV)

Solomon writes about one extreme to another. There is no inbetween, but each has it's place.  Currently I am reading the book The God of Yes, by Jud Wilhite. In his book he talks about these seasons and that even though they are rough or bring us down we can still find the beauty in them and praise God. Much like snow, as much as it sucks, when it first falls there is beauty. The blanket that covers the earth while it is till pure and clean.  God wants us to find that beauty and say Yes to him, giving Him the praise He alone deserves. 

Currently, in my life I feel that I am going through one of those seasons that feels like a rainy day...the rainy day that never ends.  Many times I have been questioning why I am at where I am in my life. I don't understand and I probably never will. I just know that I question why I am teaching where I am. I don't know why I have to face the challenges there and sometimes dread work. I don't know why I struggle with image and food daily.  I don't get why I am 26 and single when I always dreamed of being married and having kids. I am stuck in the rainy season. 

Even though I seem to be stuck in this season, I should take these negatives and find a way to praise God daily. For example, yes my job is challenging, but at least I  have one.  One that is exactly what I wanted to do, teach kindergarten.  Yes, I am single and don't have kids, but I have learned a lot about myself. I have also been able to travel and see God's handiwork when I want.  I have snowboarded the great Rocky Mounains and sailed the blue Caribbean seas.  I've been able to do things married people and people with kids would never be able to do.  I need to find these positives in the storms of life and thank god for them. 

Finally, even though it might seem as if I am in the storm of life, when my summer comes I need to thank God daily and praise Him for those good days. When we have good days, it is so easy to just assume they will last forever. To take them for granted, when in the blink of an eye it could all change again.  I guess this is one of the mysteries of our great God.  He gives and takes away all according to His plan for our lives. He is the God of the universe and all things work together for his good. He knows what he is doing and no matter what season we are in He deserves all the glory and honor.

The End of a Journey...The Start of Something New

This month on December 21, one of the greatest journeys I have ever taken will be coming to an end. I will be graduating with my Masters degree in education.  I have been in school for seven and half years and part of me doesn't know what to do...I am sure I will find something, but it won't be the same.  UNO has been a wonderful place to complete both my undergrad and graduate career.  I have met so many people who have taught me about myself and about education.  I have had a few professors that I will be forever grateful to.  They took me under their wings and have encouraged me to be the best person and teacher that I could be. They met me where I was at and allowed me to grow.  These same professors that took me under their wings were also the ones that challenged me the most in the classroom and out of the classroom.
Looking back on my journey of undergrad and grad school, it has certainly been long, but when all is said and done it has been rewarding and humbling.  As the semester winds down, I have realized how lucky I am to have my education and the life that I live.  My Capstone class this semester really made me realize that I do know a lot about education and about teaching, but I don't know everything and I never will.  I need to continually be learning from my peers and other professionals.  I need to do this not only for myself, but for my students.  They deserve to have a teacher that is continually learning and I want to show my students that we NEVER stop learning.
As the semester comes to an end, many of you know that I have gotten my first big girl job.  I am now teaching kindergarten at Franklin.  In the perfect world, this isn't where I would have wanted my first job to be, but I am slowly realizing that I am right where I need to be.  This is another thing I have learned as the semester is ending.  My peers and and one great professor have showed me that even though everyday is a challenge, I am strong enough to be successful there.  I might get hit, kicked, worn down, and discouraged by my students, but they are teaching me patience and perseverance.  They are showing me that if I can get through them, I can make it through any class of kinders!  Most of all, they are teaching me how to love more greatly.  They are a challenging group of kiddos that come from rough homes.  It has become my goal to not only be their teacher, but to give them the love they need and deserve even when they seem unlovable.    The Bible calls us to love the unlovable and I think one of the greatest places that describes love can be found here...
1 Corinthians 13: 1-7

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  

If I love I can make it through.  If I love, I will be a better teacher to my students.  I will be the teacher they deserve to have.  A teacher that is right where she needs to be at this point in her life.  

As I close a chapter in my life, I know that new ones will be written.  One journey is ending, but there are many more to come.  I know that I have become a life long learner and I never want to stop growing as a person or a professional.  I have had so many wonderful people in my life that have helped me get where I am and to them I will be forever grateful.  

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Well, this morning was quite the morning.  I think I may have reached a point of surrender.  A point of ugly crying in public...well kind of.  Maybe the sweat disguised it.  The past couple of weeks I have been reading a book about putting Christ in the center of your life and everything else will fall into place right where it is supposed to. I have been focussing on this concept since reading about it in the book.  Don't get me wrong I have always claimed to have a relationship with Christ and want to put Him first in my life, but I don't always do that.  This week I have been trying to spend more time in prayer and more time in the Word.  Funny how when you do this things really do change even if they are small and slow.  If you keep your eyes open you will see God working.  I've had two examples make this clear.
The first one is that I have allowed other people's actions and attitudes to have an influence on me and my attitude and how well I do something.  Along with allowing them to influence me I have had a hard to loving or even being nice to some of these people, one in particular.  This week I really focussed on this and prayed that God would give me patience and help me to love or at least accept this person a little bit more.  Maybe no one else noticed the change, but I felt it.  When I was with this person I felt light and had a bit more happiness.  So maybe it is small, but it is better than nothing!
The second example comes in terms of my workouts and weight loss.  After July was such a good month I figured that my good attitude and motivation would move right on into August.  WRONG!  This month has not been my best one to date. So far I have only lost a pound...big deal right. I feel like it's two steps forward and one step backwards.  I can't seem to get my life in line.  I battle with myself and negotiate things that end up messing up my goals. I also don't always believe in myself and my abilities.  I really feel that this will be something that I will struggle with the rest of my life, but that brings me back to this morning.  As you know I'm lucky enough to have an awesome trainer to hold me accountable.  This morning I had to be honest with him, and if I wasn't I wouldn't be able to pedal the bike I was on! I had to admit that I haven't been doing exactly what I should be doing.  I hate admitting my struggles because that means I am failing not only myself, but him.  Even though admitting that I had screwed up hurt me a lot,  I feel like it could have been a breakthrough, a point of surrender if you will.  I know that my heart is in, but my head is where the battle is.  I need to change my thinking and believe that I can do it, and I will do it.  This point of surrender has been my prayer, and I think I finally got my answer to it this morning.  Ideally, not how I wanted it, but I'm not complaining.  I know I can't do this on my own, I need Christ as the center.  I know I can't do this on my own and I need the support of those around me (Dakota). I need to believe in myself and see my full potential. I need to give up my stubbornness and old ways that are getting me nowhere and move on. I need to change my thoughts, and believe that I can do anything I set my mind to.  I want to come to the point where it' is only steps forward and never going back.
This whole journey has been one of the hardest things I have done in my life.  That is no joke, but I am truly blessed to have an awesome trainer who hasn't walked away from me and has been there 100%.  I know I don't always feel that way, but when I look back I know it is true.

Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self control than to conquer a city.  Proverbs 16:32

When life is tough, you fight!

July has been quite an interesting month for me.  After two deaths in the family I kind of let my fitness goals and weight get out of control.  I slacked off, ate what I wanted, and inevitably gained nearly 10 lbs.  I used these two situations as an excuse and in July realized it was not worth it.  July 1st started my goals to get back on track.  It had been long enough.  My first change was that I cut out pop completely.  I went cold turkey.  I'm proud to say I have made it the whole month!  Anyone that knows me will realize this is a big deal.  I was drinking 3-4 Diet Mt. Dews a day.
Along with cutting out pop, I think for the first time in a long time I have put my heart into my workouts.  I have been so determined to succeed.  Along with putting my heart into my workouts, it has been quite an emotional month for many reasons.  Every time I have given up or gotten frustrated it has been a punch in the stomach.  I had to question and ask myself what the heck I was doing and if I really wanted this.  Obviously, the answer is yes, but nothing pisses me off more than being defeated by my mind.
Over the past year or so I have been fortunate enough to work with an awesome trainer, Dakota, at my gym.  I can honestly say it wasn't until this month that I realized how lucky and how blessed I truly am to have him as a part of my life.  I have worked with other trainers that I thought were good and cared, but I was wrong.  Dakota has pushed me physically and mentally for the past year, but this month I have felt the impact.  Every time I have been frustrated, felt like quitting, or even breaking down in tears, he has been there with an encouraging word to push me along and get me back on my feet. Sometimes this came in the way of picking on me, but I guess there is no other way to show you care :) I feel like most people would have called it quits with me, but he hasn't even on my roughest days.
I know at the end of the month I haven't met all of my goals, but I have made progress. This time I will not give up, this is something worth fighting for.  I have slowly been working to change my attitude to believe in myself.  I also know that Dakota will not let me quit or give up.  I don't think I will ever be able to say thank you enough.
God really has blessed me in so many ways and I am finally realizing that. He gives and He takes away for a reason.  He has placed all of the people in my life that I need to succeed and I know that He will continue to give and take, but it will always be a blessing.  Although, I have questioned Him and challenged Him, I know He will never leave me or forsake me.  Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, and give you hope for the future.  I believe this with all my heart.  We will have struggles, people will hurt us, this world will hurt us, and we will make mistakes, but He has a plan.  Finally, every time I have been rowing, running, or being pushed to my limit I have held onto Philippians 4:13, I CAN do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength.
When things get tough, I am making the choice to fight.  Through perseverance comes character, and with character hope.