Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Well, this morning was quite the morning.  I think I may have reached a point of surrender.  A point of ugly crying in public...well kind of.  Maybe the sweat disguised it.  The past couple of weeks I have been reading a book about putting Christ in the center of your life and everything else will fall into place right where it is supposed to. I have been focussing on this concept since reading about it in the book.  Don't get me wrong I have always claimed to have a relationship with Christ and want to put Him first in my life, but I don't always do that.  This week I have been trying to spend more time in prayer and more time in the Word.  Funny how when you do this things really do change even if they are small and slow.  If you keep your eyes open you will see God working.  I've had two examples make this clear.
The first one is that I have allowed other people's actions and attitudes to have an influence on me and my attitude and how well I do something.  Along with allowing them to influence me I have had a hard to loving or even being nice to some of these people, one in particular.  This week I really focussed on this and prayed that God would give me patience and help me to love or at least accept this person a little bit more.  Maybe no one else noticed the change, but I felt it.  When I was with this person I felt light and had a bit more happiness.  So maybe it is small, but it is better than nothing!
The second example comes in terms of my workouts and weight loss.  After July was such a good month I figured that my good attitude and motivation would move right on into August.  WRONG!  This month has not been my best one to date. So far I have only lost a pound...big deal right. I feel like it's two steps forward and one step backwards.  I can't seem to get my life in line.  I battle with myself and negotiate things that end up messing up my goals. I also don't always believe in myself and my abilities.  I really feel that this will be something that I will struggle with the rest of my life, but that brings me back to this morning.  As you know I'm lucky enough to have an awesome trainer to hold me accountable.  This morning I had to be honest with him, and if I wasn't I wouldn't be able to pedal the bike I was on! I had to admit that I haven't been doing exactly what I should be doing.  I hate admitting my struggles because that means I am failing not only myself, but him.  Even though admitting that I had screwed up hurt me a lot,  I feel like it could have been a breakthrough, a point of surrender if you will.  I know that my heart is in, but my head is where the battle is.  I need to change my thinking and believe that I can do it, and I will do it.  This point of surrender has been my prayer, and I think I finally got my answer to it this morning.  Ideally, not how I wanted it, but I'm not complaining.  I know I can't do this on my own, I need Christ as the center.  I know I can't do this on my own and I need the support of those around me (Dakota). I need to believe in myself and see my full potential. I need to give up my stubbornness and old ways that are getting me nowhere and move on. I need to change my thoughts, and believe that I can do anything I set my mind to.  I want to come to the point where it' is only steps forward and never going back.
This whole journey has been one of the hardest things I have done in my life.  That is no joke, but I am truly blessed to have an awesome trainer who hasn't walked away from me and has been there 100%.  I know I don't always feel that way, but when I look back I know it is true.

Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self control than to conquer a city.  Proverbs 16:32