The next morning only one of my girls showed up on time to breakfast. The rest of them walked in late after we were already served. This was the first sign that they were mad at me. I simply said they need to try to be on time to breakfast. After we were they wouldn't asked me to pass anything to them. The food could have been right next to me and they would ask someone across the table. In this moment I knew I wanted to say something, but I had prayed over the situation the night before and asked the Holy Spirit to be with me. He was in this moment as I literally bit my tongue.
After breakfast we played a real life game of Angry Birds. During this game the girls were pretty separated. The trio, the other two, and me. I tried to go between the two groups, but again, I knew they were mad as they were avoiding me. Another things that made this obvious was that they avoided me to ask to use the bathroom. They found the other leader because they couldn't find me. I was bothered by this time, but let it go.
After Angry Birds 4 of the girls and I were on the swings outside our cabin. I was on one side, the four of them on the other. We were facing each other and I was tired of their body language and attitudes. I brought it up in the nicest way possible. Things really got heated. Words were said from both the girls and myself, but as soon as words were being thrown at each other body language changed. Facial expressions softened. I honestly don't think these girls realized why I was being to hard on them, but it's because I cared about them. I don't want to see them making the same mistakes that I made in my younger years.
This is when I took the opportunity to share my story with them. I knew going into the week I would share personal things with these girls, but I didn't know if I would share one story with them. The story of my life that has brought me the most pain...the story of a broken relationship that led me to become anorexic.
In 2008 I had been dating a guy and he thought it would be a good idea to begin working out together. I agreed with this because everyone could get a little bit healthier. After a little while of working out he began to notice differences in me and he like them. I took this to hear and worked out harder and longer and slowly began limiting calories. I lost so much weight that he no longer liked me, cheated on me, and our relationship ended. I was devastated. I thought that he loved me, we even talked marriage a couple of times. Obviously that didn't happen.
Around the same time as this breakup my grandma had a stroke that affected her vision, ability to walk, and speech. She was no longer the grandma I knew and loved growing up. She could no longer, drive, walk on her own, sew, or even live on her own. After going through rehabilitation she came to live with us. This took another toll on me as we had to take care of her and do a lot for her. I continued to lose weight, but didn't see myself as sick. That was until one Sunday morning when I woke up with pain so great that I could hardly stand up to shower. I insisted that my mom take me to the emergency room. Little did I know that would be the beginning of a three week hospital stay.
When I got to the hospital I weighed 64 pounds and was officially diagnosed as anorexic. Sadly, even with all of my bones showing and my face sunk in, I was in denial. The first thing they did was put a feeding tube in me so force me to gain weight. During the first couple of days in the hospital I prayed to God, take my life or change it now! Clearly, I am still here so he changed my life. I knew I didn't want to be in the hospital so I forced myself to eat. Forcing myself to eat also made me very sick. Lucky, my body bounced back quickly and I gained weight. I had to gain 20 pounds to get out of the hospital. During this whole time at the hospital I never received the proper treatment I needed. I got out of the hospital and continued to eat and gain way too much weight forcing me to lose weight again. This time I did it in a healthy way.
During telling this story and of other hurts from my past I was reminded of the greatness of our God. His mercy and His grace. How much must He love us to give us second, third, fourth, chances. By medical standards I don't deserve to be here, but God has a greater plan. As I shared this story I also did so with tears in my eyes. The hurt is still real and I don't want anyone to go through what I went through. No one deserves that.
Sharing this story and other from my past during that draw out time on the swings broke down walls and allowed all of our hearts to soften. For that I am thankful. It is interesting in the way the Holy Spirit works for the good of those who love him. After our arguing and sharing our week turned around and we were all able to enjoy being with each other and encouraging each other. I hope that this past week seeds were planted and these girls would go all in for Jesus and count the cost of being his followers.
Another thing that this week at camp showed me is the love of God and that is why I can't get "Oh how He loves us" out of my head. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that it was God's will for Jesus to come to earth. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that it was God's will for Jesus to die for me! It should have been me on that cross because of my sinful nature, but it wasn't. The price was payed out of love. Being a person who has never really felt loved this is one of the hardest things for me to wrap my mind around, but it is one of the best things in the world. I just wanted to share that with the girls I was with and with everyone else. This God who loves me, changed my life, and can change yours(theirs) too. There is no greater love!
